Flourish
by Asher
Summary: noin's pov. 9x3x3, 6x9 with a few other random pairings. the gboys and company are greek gods and goddesses! you know what this means! cupid!zechs and SUPERPOWERS! a pwp of a humor fic! please review! UPDATED!
1. Immortal Calling Plan

**F L O U R I S H**

asher 

a/n: written in noin's pov. 9x3/9+3 6+9 [definitely not 9+6]. 

this is a stupid little thing that i wrote after watching the _fairly odd parents_ on nickelodeon. see what happens when you have nothing to do?   
forgiveness is asked as this thing is completele stupid and full of the crack. 

forgive forgive. 

- - - 

Cupid's name wasn't really Cupid. Or Eros. Or anything remotely related to any existing world mythology. He wasn't a love god, nor was his mother the goddess of beauty. He was an unhappy demi-god who could force anyone to lust or love, but could not find the latter for himself. 

And he was stalking me. 

- - - 

"I don't want him to fall in love with me. I don't want to stumble into love with anyone. All I want is for you to forget that I exist." He placed his arm on the wall, but couldn't lean because of the obstruction caused by his enormous white wings. "It isn't easy being the God of Love, y'know." 

I glared at him. "Why the fuck do you have wings? And why are you wearing that?" He was wearing red suede pants and a vest made of the same material, only it was embroidered with a thick white ribbon around the edges and the back where it laced up and over the base of the wings. 

"Maybe it's time to get a little more into character. I am the Eros, so shouldn't I look like this?" 

I stopped walking and turned back to him. "If I followed your fucked logic, I would be male, with blond hair topped with a fucking wreath of laurel leaves on my head and I would be in the running for the horniest god around. Since none of those attributes describe me, I suggest you lose the fairy gear before anyone else sees you." His lip twitched involuntarily. "And what of Artemis, your fair sister?" 

"I really hope he managed to hear you call him my sister. I'm sure he'd find it amusing." I turned on my heel, hoping that he would take the hint and leave me the hell alone. 

"Apollo, you've become so much more impatient now that you've returned as a woman." 

What an asshole. 

"It is not my being a woman that makes me more impatient, Zechs. It is the fact that you are a fucking bastard." His superior height allowed him to fall into step next to me and I had to force myself to walk with a wider leg-width than I was comfortable with. 

"You don't really hate me, Apo---" 

"It's NOIN, you pathetic worm." 

He laughed at me. "Alright, Noin. You don't really hate me. I know you don't. In the past you and I have always been cordial. Your predecessor was my lover for over 200 years afterall." 

"Maybe Apollo grew tired of your stupidity. No, wait...I think that he just got tired of you. In fact, since I AM Apollo. I know I got tired of you." I brushed aside the heavy curtain that covered the entrance into the Forum. "Now go sit in your goddamn seat like a good little boy next to your mommy." 

He kept his good-humor, but it wilted a little around the edges. "She is not my mother." 

"Damn right. And I'm not a woman---at least not for the moment." Aphrodite's newest form spoke in an annoyed tone from his seat. "And if I was your mother, I would have made you put on something under that robe." 

I glanced back at Zechs. The wings were gone. And the red and white outfit was replaced by a long red ceremonial robe the same length and cut as everyone else's in the room. 

Zechs flipped Duo off as he took his seat next to him. Thankfully, my seat was to the far end of the room, next to Artemis, er---Trowa. 

"He's following you again." He murmured into my ear. His silver colored robe covered him from head to toe in a sheath of opaque moonlight. 

I smiled. "And he's glaring at you as wild ideas of 'incest' run through his head." 

He delved his hand in my short hair, managing to comb out a few tangles and feathering my bangs in the process. "Maybe I should kiss you so that Duo has to restrain him from coming over here and bashing me over the head with a quiver full of love-arrows." 

We both snickered as Zechs continued to sulk in his throne. 

Treize finally appeared and the uselessly stupid Forum officially began. 

- - - 

The first thing we had talked about was an updating in communication. 

My suggestion had been that we just all go buy some cellphones and create the first immortal call-plan, but when no one other than Trowa smiled at my suggestion, the discussion was cut short and the topic of the Olympus wall was brought up. 

We had spent over an hour deliberating whether to restore the wall or not when I made another suggestion. 

"How about we just fucking all move out and go buy condos in Acapulco?" 

Treize gave me a warning look that said 'shut the fuck up' and I sighed, resigned to never have my voice heard in the bureaucracy that was the Olympus Forum. 

He pounded his little gavel with a determination that said :"I AM KING. ARGH." 

Everyone stopped talking and refocused their attentions back on him. 

"Since no one is reaching a consensus, I will use my position as ruler to override the democratic attempt at a vote and declare that we will in fact NOT be reconstructing a new wall. And that the meeting is now adjourned. See you all in a century. Stay for ambrosia and wine." 

The clamor of voices started up again and I was thankful that the Forum was over. Most of the gods and goddesses mingled around the salad bar and served themselves huge goblets of wine. I never liked wine and besides, I was going to go visit Trowa's apartment and we were going to watch movies, eat some popcorn and get drunk on some decent liquor. 

"Why does he wait for you?" Trowa's pretty voice was slightly aggravated as he made mention of Zechs' presence near the exit. 

"He keeps insisting that he wants to sleep with me to see if it'll be any different than it was when I still had my male body." 

"Why don't you just give in to him once and get it over with?" I shrugged. "I'm scared shitless that if I let my guard down for even a second the jerk will manage to zing me with one of his psychic love spells. Do you think I want to end up falling in love with HIM?" 

"Point taken. I'll meet you there then." Trowa kissed me on the cheek, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. 

"So you don't want to sleep with me anymore because you want to bang your sister? That's a rather sick alternative, Noin." 

I pushed him out of my way and continued walking. He remained an annoyingly two steps behind me, probably staring at my ass despite the pearl-toned robe I was wearing. 

I grit my teeth. "He's not my sister. And if you keep saying that, he's going to tie you up and deliver you on a silver platter to Hermes for a little fun time." 

"But you are fucking him?" 

"If I am?" I chided him. 

"Then I'll just have to resort to more severe measures of courtship." 

"Like what? Are you going to stab my with one of your fucking arrows while I have the misfortune of staring at your ugly face?" 

He kicked the bottom of my boots and almost sent me careening against the wall. 

"Immature asshole." 

"Frigid bitch." 

We stared at each other heatedly for a few seconds before I regained my balance and continued in down the never-ending hall that lead to the outskirts of Olympus and into the mortal world. 

"Although I love you, if you don't stop treating me so badly I will punish you severely." 

"You already punish me more than the torrents of hell simply by your presence. What could be worse than that?" 

A quiver full of arrows appeared in his hands and he stared straight ahead as he took one out and threatened to poke me with it. "I could make you fall in lust with a nice centaur for example." 

I narrowed my eyes, stopping only to scowl at him. "You wouldn't dare." 

He made stabbing motions with the arrow. "Try me." 

The arrows he held looked suspiciously familiar. He smiled as he caught me examining them. His hair was suddenly swept away from his face with two intricate braids on either side and he was wearing green elvish clothing complete with the pointy ears. 

"One guess." He said. 

"Legolas Greenleaf, played by Orlando Bloom. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings. Released December 2001." 

"Wrong." 

"What the fuck? What do you mean 'wrong'? That's his quiver of arrows you prick." 

"Yes, but this outfit, if you would have paid attention to detail--is from the second film. The Two Towers. See the blood stains here?" He pointed out the areas on his costume. 

"That's just a mindless little detail. Not fair." 

The only thing that I shared in common with Zechs was that we shared an affinity for movies. And this was a game that we played often. If I guessed right, I didn't have to go to dinner with him, if I lost--he picked the restaurant and I agreed to go. It was the only thing that would keep him out of my pants and out of my love life. 

"Alright, since I don't want you pouting and whiny for our dinner, I'll let you pick the restaurant, okay?" 

That's as good as I was going to get. "Fine. Canton Wong #2. Five o'clock Friday." 

"Canton---" 

"Chinese place on 15th and Aline. Just be there." 

I stalked off leaving him with a sense of victory that made me want to puke. 

- - - 

don't expect this to make ANY sense. it was written on a whim. 

and because i didn't make the distinction very clear: 

Apollo = Noin   
Eros/Cupid = Zechs   
Artemis = Trowa   
Aphrodite = Duo   
Zeus = Treize   
Hermes = Heero 

if you don't know much about greek/roman mythology---some of the references probably made no sense, so i'll try to explain a few. 

Apollo and Artemis are twins. Artemis is female, Apollo is male.   
Eros/Cupid is most often identified as Aphrodite's son.   
Zeus is the King of the gods.   
the gods live in Olympus.   
Hermes is the messenger of the gods.   
Apollo is the god of music, healing, and a bunch of other crap.   
Artemis is the virgin goddess of the hunt and bunch of other crap.   
Eros/Cupid is the god of love.   
Aphrodite is the goddess of beauty/lust/love.   
the gods eat tons of ambrosia and drink tons of wine. 

don't think that i will be able to continue this or not. not sure i want to. let me know what you think! this is my first real attempt at nonsensical humor fic! 

- - - 


	2. Paper Wrapping From My Straw

**F L O U R I S H**

asher 

a/n: thanks to my two reviewers! ^_^ i orginally wasn't going to post this chapter at all, but remembering your nice words pushed me towards it. 

i hope this is as amusing as i thought it was. 

thanks to laino-kun for letting me bastardize her restaurant and to charity, who actually works there! ^_^ please excuse the typos as no editor has looked at this. 

- - - 

**paper wrapping from my straw**

- - - 

I walked inside of Canton Wong #2 with purpose. Faded jeans and a simple, long untucked t-shirt the exact shade of Trowa's eyes and some black short-boots along with a navy thigh-length men's coat and I was ready for anything. 

There were four people sitting at a single booth chatting away quietly while one of the restaurant's workers took orders over the phone and yelled them out to the cooks behind her. 

He'd chosen the booth right next to the kitchen door. 

I walked over to him and felt mildly relieved that he'd given me the courtesy of changing out of his usual look which just screamed _'Look at me! Look at me! I'm PRETERNATURAL!'_

Instead of the long trail of platinum hair, it was about the length of Heero's, messy and very very black. 

I sat in front of him as he smiled widely, looking over the cheap, gold-colored paper menu. 

"I think I'm going to order an order of crab-puffs and the house chicken. Menu?" He offered it me. 

I scoffed. "I come here all the time. I don't need to order. Food comes to me automatically. Like magic." 

The girl that had been taking orders at the counter waltzed over to us with a glass in hand and after setting down the glass next to my elbow she turned to Zechs, "So what can I get you?" 

He gave me a funny look before answering. "One order of crab puffs, the house chicken and just water please." 

"It'll be a few minutes." She wrote everything down and walked back over to the counter. 

I removed the paper wrapping from my straw and sipped my pepsi complacently. "I told you. They know what I'm going to order. Magic." 

His eyes were the same though. He'd gone for younger though. Looked 18, softer cheekbones and much more supple lips. Three inches short of his six feet. Hmm. White shirt. I moved my legs and looked under the table. Nicely worn jeans, a few tears at the knees, one at the thigh and at the bottom, black combat boots. Bastard. He looked decent. Argh. 

"So what have you been up to Noin?" 

"Oh, the usual." I gave him a shrug, noncommital wave of my hand. "Eating, sleeping, reading, observing life. Once in a while hitting the sack with Trowa." I smiled as I said the last. "You?" 

"Very amusing. I've basically been waiting to see you." 

"That's really pathetic, Zechs." 

The food came right as he was about to make his usual retort and I smiled. "Hey, I have a thing about talking while eating. It's blasphemy against god to do so, so don't do it. But don't eat to fast either 'cause that's bad for the digestive system and your soul. Get that." 

He waved off my comments as he dove in. But before I let him have a swig of his water I made him swear under oath and under pain of violence with my fork and butterknife that he would not chew with his mouth open. 

I picked at my own food, mainly sticking to eating my crabpuffs, reveling in the taste of cream cheese and the sweet and sour sauce. 

Huh. What did Zechs really mean to me? 

The waitress girl put another glass of soda next to my empty one and I took another straw, peeling the wrapper away. I had a think about using the same straw more than once. Bad karma. That's what killed off Mother Teresa, I bet. Using the same straw--*pshh* 

So, what does the idiot mean? Is he someone that I would---hey, I know exactly what he means to me. 

I crumpled the wrapper in my hand. 

Nothing. 

An image of Zechs popped into my head. What would he say if I said that to him right now? To his face? 

Hur. 

**----->---->--->-->->BEGIN DAYDREAM SEQUENCE--->-->->**

*dramatic soap-opera music* 

"Zechs! You mean nothing to me!" I stand up, one hand on my hip and the other pointing at him in accusation of my lovelessness towards him. 

He stops in mid-chew, gaping at me and the shock of my words seeping in... 

*climactic rise of crappy elevator-instrumental pop music* 

...he allowed his fork to _FALL_ on his plate and what was infinitely worse---he OPENS his mouth. 

**----->---->--->-->->END OF DAYDREAM SEQUENCE--->-->->**

Is that really what would happen? 

ASSHOLE! He swore to me that he wouldn't! 

I took the nearly full glass of soda in my hand and flung it into his face. 

"You promised me you wouldn't do that! Dammit, that's gross." I got up, kicked his foot and paid for my part of the bill. "I hope I at least scuffed your shoe." 

"NOIN!" 

I walked out of the restaurant, half of my brain feeling triumphant and elated from having vindicated his broken oath and the other part of my brain berating me for bring a moron. That part was saying to me : _"FOOL! you only did that so that you could get out of the lunch deal! He's going to be pissed now!"_. 

Hey, stupid brain. There's no conflict here in the Brain of Noin. There's only one of you. 

Wait a minute... 

If I'm an immortal mortal. Do I still only have one brain? 

It doesn't seem like one's enough now a days. 

And what if that pompous ass Treize released Prometheous or something and the egotistical Titan got off his ass and messed with his little model kits? Ah damn. 

But where would they have put the other one? 

- - - 

just another little note: 

according to the mythology, Prometheous was the creator of mankind. he was one of the only Titans who didn't fight against Zeus and was therefore not sent to the pits of Tartarus, or the Greek equivalent of hell. 

but when Prometheous stole fire from Olympus and gave it to the humans, Zeus wasn't very happy, so he took him, bound him to a damn big rock with unbreakable chains. since then, vultures would come everyday and tear/eat his liver. which would always grow back in the night. 

bwahaha. 

i think he'd be a bit disgruntled after that, don't you? ^___^ 

oh, and advance apologies for Noin's abrupt stupidity towards the end. it comes and goes. *shrugs* 

- - - 


	3. Insecure About My Manhood

**FLOURISH**

- - - 

**insecure about my manhood**

- - - 

I managed to reach my shared apartment with Trowa without any mishaps. 

No attempted rapings, no muggings. No irritated winged gods chasing after me with hardcore Centaur porn and a debt to settle. 

I swung the door open, indulged in a bit of supernatural power by doing the whole _Fantasia_ thing and having my coat-rack walk over and retrieve my jacket. 

"Trowa! Do I only have one brain?" The question had bee plaguing me since I'd fled from the restaurant. It was dangerous not to know such information. I mean, what if I unknowingly damaged it? I was scared of few things in my immortal life. One was parachute pants. Another was sheep. For several reasons. I mean come on people, I read the book. I saw what those Christians did to them. Sick bastards. And at the top of my list was brain damage. It made me sad. It made me want to pee my pants and transport myself into a place where putting brown paper bags over your head really does stave off bad things and nuclear bombs. 

Trowa appeared in the direction of our living room, a skeptical look on his face. "Is this about how God only lets you use one at a time? Because I can assure you that I can use both." 

I stared at him. Trowa was the most intelligent man I had ever bothered to sleep AND talk to. But sometimes I didn't know where he got any of this crap. 

"Trowa, God didn't make people." I shook my head at him. "And anyway, I just wanted to know because..." And I went into the whole story about Zechs forsaking his soul because he chewed with his mouth open after haivng promised not to, and about him looking good in pants that would only make me look fat and old and about how I didn't LIKE onions in my chicken and goddammit, what in the hell is the hockey pokey and why is it all about it? 

He held a hand up just as I was about to go into my rant about sheep-molesters, but I love him. So I guess I wouldn't really able to justify any violence I might heap upon him for such an insult. 

I have the **right** to complain, dammit! 

"What did you do, Noin? You only get this out of focus during reruns of 'I Love the 80's' or after you've fucked up really bad with Zechs." 

He was giving me that look. You all know the one. The _'fuck it all to hell, did you just kill a god'_ glare that only people who really care and wonder about your well being can pull off. Trowa just turned that into another excuse to look at my boobs. Hey, why deny it? I was sure that's what he was doing. There is only one reason a man doesn't look at your face. Unless it's ugly. If it's ugly and he loves you, then he tries to pretend. It's kind of hard to pretend when you're staring straight at it. But then again, my face isn't that bad, is it? It can't be. I'm a god. Shouldn't I get like, automatic good-looks? An automatic stamp of 'sexy-beast', invisibly placed on my ass or something? 

I stopped my internal rambling for a split second to think about what I'd just thought of. 

_'Sexy-beast'_ stamp? Christ! Damn those singing cooks! They slipped me the tofu again!? AHHHH! I told them _**last time**_ that the stuff gets me all wired, makes me go all 1960's trippy acid-clown, non-tipping tight-ass on them! Why do they torture me this way? All I could think of were Olympian conspiracies to overtake my position. 

Well, there was no way I was taking that stupid golf-club membership in exchange for gifting that piece of shit boy-band another hit. No way. I was already going to spend fifty-lifetimes resurrected as the wife of a pot-bellied man for all those times I let Hilde convince me that those whiny Florida-boys deserved to be famous. And another fifty-lifetimes as a shoe-salesman for letting that breast-implant queen with the nasally, porn-star voice become world-renown. 

NEVER AGAIN! 

"Uh...I kinda...sorta...threw my drink in his face." I jumped into my defense. "But I swear that he deserved it! I mean, I told you about the chewing, didn't I? You understand, don't you?" 

He sighed and walked back to the living room, where he had a new movie cued up for us to watch. I followed him and sat beside him on the couch. 

He started the movie and I cringed. It was _Momento_. Hadn't I been purposely avoiding such a movie? It deals with brain-damage. The idea scares me. Damn my luck. 

"You know what really bites my ass, though?" 

"What? The fact that he'll rip you a new one when he sees you or the fact that you turn into a total idiot after eating dinner with him?" 

It was my turn to glare at him. "I'm not an idiot, Trowa. They _so_ slipped me the tofu, I can feel it in my heart of hearts. Maybe I'll ask Heero to steal all of their rice." 

I could feel Trowa's warmth beside me. He let me lean against his side throughout the entire movie as he pressed a strong hand on my back. The feeling of paranoia and sporadic thoughts faded away as my metabolism took care of the tofu. I was calmer. No thoughts of rabid fan-girls or pop-stars or conspiracies. Just my hormones and the need for revenge curling in my stomach again. 

The film ended and I made a solemn oath to myself that I would NEVER, EVER trust women named Natalie. Or Elizabeth. 

"I won't be able to see Zechs for a while." 

He arched an eyebrow, tilting his face down to look at me again. "Isn't that a good thing?" 

"Yeah. It would be if I didn't want those arrows of his. I NEED them, Trowa. I was going to try and get in good with him for a split second and steal them." I fingered the edge of his shirt. "There's a little matter of a running bar tab at the stupid Sparkly Fruit Juice Stand that Wufei's run up in my name." I clenched my hands and closed my eyes at the thought. "He must suffer. I needed the arrows for REVENGE PURPOSES. I was going to make him fall in love with a chain-smoker named Bob or something." 

He finally laughed and I felt a smile creeping onto my own face. Trowa's laughter made me happy. 

"Why don't you just use your own powers?" 

I snorted. "What the hell do you want me to do? I'm the fucking god of music, Trowa. Of the arts. Of useless, art-school, coffee-snorting crap like that. What can I do? Paint an ugly picture and shove it in his face?" I shook my head and stood up. I stretched my arms out, felt the grumble of my stomach and headed for the kitchen. 

"If you really wanted to, I could---" 

I stopped rummaging around in the refrigerator. "NO. There's no way in hell that I'm letting you do ANYTHING." 

He looked puzzled. I guess he didn't get it. My poor lover, having to deal with someone as obviously deranged and bi-polar as me must be tough. Maybe my inherent stupidity is rubbing off on him! God, no! Who'll pay the bills then!? 

"BECAUSE. To use your powers you have to turn into a girl. And everytime you do it you forget how to turn back. You _forget_. And what happens to me, then? I get stuck with another chick to deal with for two months until you turn back. I'm not dealing with that, Trowa." 

He sat on a stool, observing me as I made myself a turkey sandwich. "It isn't that bad. It's only two months. And if this revenge plot of yours really means something, if you want to stay away from Zechs for longer than usual...well, it's a fair exchange, right?" 

I stared at him, pausing just as I was about to sprinkle cinnamon-sugar on the slice of turkey. "You're kidding, right? I'm not dealing with that **again**. I'm unsersexed and deprived and I start looking around and you get _angry_." 

"We can still have sex when I'm a girl, Noin. It's not like I suddenly become radioactive or gain some monstrous physical abnormality." 

I placed the slice of bread on top of my huge heap of a sandwich. "Actually, yeah you do. It's called a vagina." 

He placed a hand over his face, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"And I'm insecure, y'know? 'Cause even as a chick, I want you. And I think about you. And I'm always thinking, _'Am I gay, am I not gay?'_ I can't deal with those kinds of identity problems." 

"But Noin, you can be both. Either or. You can be male or female." 

"But I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY!" I tossed the half-eaten sandwich back onto the blue plate. "I have enough problems in my life. They used to tease me all the time back in Olympus. You think I want to fuel anymore of their crap? They'll start rumors about you and me again. They'll ask me stupid stuff like, _'Ooh, who gets to be top?'_ And I'll kill them this time, Trowa. I swear I will. And I have enough to deal with. I'm a woman. I'm Italian. I'm unmarried. I live with a man. I don't need anymore." I flung my hands in the air. "The things I suffered through! And now you want me to have sex with a woman?! Isn't it enough that when I was male I was insecure about my manhood? Must I be mocked in every lifetime?" 

Trowa looked like he was about to start pleading with me. No, don't give me those wide-eyes. That _'listen to me and I'll take you cd-shopping'_ look. I can't say no to that look. Trowa just looks at me sometimes and I want to rush over and kiss him. Dammit. Dammit. He's shifting the facial features! 

"You've had sex with women before. This wouldn't be anything different." 

"But I'm already self-conscious! And the worst part of it is that your female form is better endowed than me! 

Fuck this. 

I was going to sleep. I'd blame it all on the tofu when I woke up. All of the craziness. All of the randomness. The homophobia and the bitterness. And the fact that I had just voiced an unknown desire for bigger breasts. 

Who the hell was I, that damned Spears girl? 

- - -   


I apologize to anyone who may have been waiting for me to update this fic. ^^; This chapter took a long time for me to get around to writing, as WRITER'S BLOCK, that evil She-Demon has apparently cursed me to never be able to mass-produce anything decent. 

I hope this chapter wasn't too dissapointing, despite the fact that at its core, it strays from the feeling of the first two chapters. I blame it all on the tofu as well. ^_^ 

Any comments? Questions? Suggestions for improvement? Like it, hate it? Let me know. Even if you want to stab yourself or me after reading, review anyway and let me know what you think! 

To the people who reviewed me and gave me words of encouragment for continuing this fic, a HUGE THANKS! 

To my editor, who helped with building my confidence and to Killraven who ordered me to stop complaining so much about this sucking. 

And of course, to Lain, who is actually the owner of Canton Wong #2 and to the Singing Cooks, who really did sneak a block of tofu into my sweet and sour chicken once. 


End file.
